Devil’s Playground

Go ahead! I dare you! I dare you to bust through my rib cage and grab my heart like a savage beast! I dare you to crack open my skull and massage my brain like a masterful brain surgeon. But my soul…I don’t dare you. That, that is the devil’s playground.

Devil’s playground is a place, my place, where dreams make or break my entire being. My heart and my mind are hard enough to get to. My soul is my gift to you, should you be deserving. Once you get into my soul, that is when you know I am yours, yours for the taking.

My soul has been bent, almost broken. It has been brutally abused, not just by my heart and my mind but by monsters…people who have promised to protect the triangle of mystery. It will take someone with a strong mind, skillful heart and talented hands to stitch, and heal, the devil’s playground.

Not strong enough? Walk away. Not ready? Don’t try. The devil’s playground is where my happiness and my misery battle each other day in and day out.

Lost

The words to “Unsteady” by X Ambassadors are running through my brain at a high rate of speed. The words that slow down are: If you love me/ Don’t let go/ If you love me/ Don’t let go  Hold/ Hold on/ Hold on to me/ Cause I’m a little unsteady/ A little unsteady.

Everywhere I go, regardless of length of stay, I always do some soul searching. Now, is no different. I am starting to feel again…as in every damn emotion a human can possibly feel. Music moves my soul like it did years ago. How did I get to the point where I couldn’t even remember my soul?

Was all the pain over the last nine years that unbearable, that I chose to disconnect, unplug? All it took was one person…just ONE, to unleash the beast that has been in hibernation….only to go quietly into the night…never to be heard from again…

Yes, I feel like I am a little unsteady. My dreams are becoming more and more vivid. I need to pause. I need to reboot. I need to do something.

Maybe I do love too intensely. That is for me to decide.

Hurricane Matthew Strikes, AGAIN…

One would think it is bad enough losing material possessions, for whatever reason, including a natural disaster. It does suck, greatly. From what I was able to document, my daughters and I lost over $40,000 in our material possessions, in addition to our home, no thanks to Hurricane Matthew.

(By the way, I also work where we lived…or did)

I am not mad…not in the least bit. I am however, sad. I worked very closely with an amazing team where I worked. For them, I am forever grateful.

For three very long months, I worked with residents and the team to ensure everything was done by the books. I made a lot of friends. I also made some enemies, through no fault of my own….except maybe one, out of hundreds. I worked tirelessly to ease the anger and frustration of many residents. I cried with many of them. I put my own issues on the back burner to ensure I was there for them, 100%.

Many of the residents did not know I lived there. Those who did not know thought I was blowing a lot of smoke. Well, news flash…I was blowing as much smoke as a broken down steam engine, dead on it’s graveyard track.

I could have lashed out at them…yet, what would that have solved? Hate only breeds hate. Anger only breeds more anger. I chose to put my own feelings aside, allowing them all to bottle up, until I got home. I cried a great many tears, mostly behind closed doors.

I put on the façade to many that I was okay; that my girls were okay. We weren’t. We were devastated. Some days where better than others and many were worse. The worst days were when people questioned my morals…wanting to know why I was still working for the company. Why should I quit my job and protest when I have responsibilities to tend to? Why would I leave a company that has done more for the residents than most other companies would do for theirs?

Fast forward to today…

It has been over six months since Hurricane Matthew caused havoc and mayhem. We are closed for business until further notice. There are so many moving parts, my head is spinning! I just know great things are coming and the company is being quite proactive to ensure what happened does not happen again….or at least to the point where the damage is nowhere near as extensive.

My heart broke today, as the realization hit, that everything truly IS temporary. Unfortunately, my job has become another casualty of Hurricane Matthew. I am going to miss the people with whom I have worked. While it does suck, I have found so many positives.

I learned a lot about the business and most importantly, a lot about myself. I have grown in so many ways through everything these last few months. I have learned I do have patience…a lot more than what I give myself credit for. I do have a humanitarian side…I lost that part of me a long time ago, or so I thought. It’s there and it comes out from time to time.

I will take everything I have learned with me as I venture on to new beginnings. I don’t have time to be angry as it solves nothing. Really, I don’t have a reason to be angry…just sad because a natural disaster’s destruction does not stop right after it happens…it is the gift that can keep on giving…

One more thing…do not trash talk the company for which I worked. They are an amazing company and I am truly grateful for all they did for me as a resident. I could not have asked for anything more.

**Disclaimer: I started this in January. For whatever reason, it never published.**

 

 

 

Don’t wake me…

I am in a weird place…does this always happen when people approach 40 or is it just me? I’m single and while I enjoy it immensely, I miss companionship. I miss being able to connect with a man on a different level than with my girl friends. I miss the feeling of being safe. I miss the feeling of being a part of a ‘team.’

Being able to clean the house or cook dinner or do laundry while cutting up and carrying on with a partner, a boyfriend, a husband…I miss that. I miss the arguing and debates because we have differences of opinions.

I recently told someone I absolutely adore, that we are two souls dancing the tango in the night, full of passion and love, waiting for the moment when our souls become one. His response? Simply, “I love you, Erica.” That…that filled my soul. He did not run away or chastise me for being a “sap.” Others have and I shut down. Not this time. This man is different.

This man…I trust him with the darkest, deepest parts of me. He knows my secrets and I know his. I am scared. I don’t let people in that deeply nor do I do so with so much ease.

Too many have taken simple secrets and tried to destroy me with them. This man…He accepts all of me…my imperfections, my flaws, my strengths and my weaknesses. He never uses them against me. For that, I am grateful.

Will we ever be together? I don’t know. We want to be together. We enjoy each other’s company yet we both have things we need to work out in our own, separate lives.

Don’t wake me from this dream without making it a reality. I hope this man in my dreams becomes a part of my reality. He seems pretty amazing.